I can tuck mytits in my pants
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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