Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
