I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Who died my cat blue again?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
