Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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