those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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