There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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