Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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