im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
