I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
