I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
