We named our party play list daddy issues
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
