my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
