The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
