M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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