I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
