And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
