also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
