i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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