I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
