DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
