The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
