dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
