He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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