im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
