The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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