I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
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You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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