There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
