You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
