Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
