I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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