Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
