I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
