It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
