I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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