please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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