We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
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Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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