I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
