I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
