my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Of course I have a pirate flag
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
