I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.