someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
