It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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