I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
