Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
