Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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