The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
