OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
How's work?
Spinning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
