Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
