I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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