You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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