my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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