its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
