Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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