I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
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Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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