She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize