i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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