His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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