Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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