He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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