I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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